Who I Used To Be
by brooklynbridge
Summary: [Jake] Upon first meeting her, he knew it was instantly obvious that, with her, there was more than meets the eye. What he found out, however, was more than he ever could've imagined.
1. Mondays

Title: Who I Used To Be

Author: Brooke / bLuEhEaVeN79

Movie: Cheaper By the Dozen

Genre: General / Drama / Romance

Chapter One: _Mondays_

Summary: Jake Everything seemed right. It was as if everything was perfect. Then, she came along and showed me what perfection really was, and how imperfect things really were.

Sunday.

What a horrible day.

You know that the new week is coming when you have to go to school, and you're always cramming in all your weekend homework into the last hours of the night.

If I could have made up the weeks, I would've made it so that Fridays were everyday- and therefore, school would not exist.

What a dream that would be.

But, it wasn't the case for me. No Sunday night homework. Tomorrow was the first day of school. Not just school, high school.

You could say I was nervous, but I actually wasn't. I had nothing to worry about. I was in the crowd, I guess you could say. Things for me were just like anyone could ever want. The friends, the girls who liked me, the looks, the number one spot on the soccer team, all those kinds of things.

Life was perfect, or so I thought.

"Jake! Get up! You're going to be late!" my mom yelled from the bottom of the stairs as the rest of the family rushed around the house getting their things ready for another day.

"What? _Late_? I thought it was Sunday..." I thought as I groggily sat up and looked at my Blink 182 calendar that hung contently on the wall in front of my bed. "_Monday_?" I said to myself. "These weekends go by too fast..." I whined as I pushed my covers off of me and got up. I changed into some clothes and walked downstairs for breakfast.

The rest of the family was fanatically racing around the house getting breakfast, making lunches and putting on makeup. Well, actually Loraine was the only one doing that.

I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of orange juice and sat down at the table.

"Fourteen years of life and our mornings are still like- _this_," I said to myself between sips from my glass.

My mom then walked up to me, "Jake, honey, Loraine is gonna take you and Sarah to school this morning. She'll take you to your first class."

"Mom, why do _I_ have to take him? He's fourteen years-old! I think he's quite capable of finding a classroom!" Loraine complained as she stood there half paying attention to the situation, and half applying lip-gloss as she looked in her little hand held mirror.

"Mom, I think I can find a classroom alright by myself, and she's right. I _am_ fourteen. This is my first year of high school. I don't need my older sister taking me around to my classes. And please, can you stop talking to me like I'm _nine_?"

She seemed a little taken back, but I didn't stay around long enough to hear her remark.

So, Loraine _did_ end up driving me to school, but that's where it ended- right in the parking lot as we gave each other disgusted looks. Sarah walked with Loraine, being a year older than me and her class was near Loraine's. We all got out and walked our separate ways.

And that's when I first saw her. She was walking up the pathway to the front door. The thing was, I didn't even notice her. We both just kept walking and I guess you could say we didn't know that either of us existed. It was like she wasn't there to me, and I wasn't there to her. All I saw was a glimpse of her curly, long, dirty blond hair blowing over her shoulder as she walked through the door.

To me, she was just another girl, nothing special. Well, have you ever heard the saying, 'Don't judge a book by its cover'?

Well, it was very fitting for this situation.

"Class, please take out your textbooks and do the questions I've written down on the board." First period- Math class. It figures that I end up with that first thing in the morning. Next worst thing? Science was second period.

I walked up the hallway to room B108 and opened the door. That was the first time I actually saw her. She was wearing brown All-Star converse shoes, worn out jeans, a dark blue t-shirt that said 'The Ataris' on it and a beige blazer. Her curly, long, dirty blond hair was hung over her shoulder as she sat slumped forward in her chair, not exactly looking pleased that she was in Science class.

I took the only seat that seemed to be left in the room- behind her. To tell you the truth, I didn't think that much of her at first, but there was something inside of me that wondered about her.

"Class, please choose a partner for your lab experiments. Take note, though, that this will be your partner for the rest of the year." I looked around for some sight of a friend, but there was no luck.

"Wanna be my partner?" I didn't know where it came from at first, but then I noticed it was from the girl sitting in front of me.

"Uhh..." I stuttered. For some reason, my words weren't coming out.

"Are you on drugs or something?" she asked me. She just came right out and said it.

I relaxed, "What? I mean, no. No way, why- I mean, what-" She looked slightly confused at my rambling. I would've been too.

"So, do you wanna be my partner or what?" she spoke up over my voice. It made me feel like the stupidest person in the world. I felt like a complete nerd.

"Sure," I finally got out.

She gave me a weird look, like she was almost questioning herself why she asked that weird kid behind her to be her Science partner. Then, she smiled a confused, slight smile and turned back around.

When Science was finally over, it was time for lunch. I walked into the cafeteria to see a huge group of the guys in the back corner. I walked up to their table and sat down.

"Hey Jake," Krystin Patterson said to me as I sat down beside her with my friend Scott on my left.

"Hey Krystin..." I said uneasily as I could feel her hand on my shoulder and could see her leaning in to me in the corner of my eye.

Krystin Patterson. Krystin Patterson. What can I say? Sure, she's really pretty. That's about all that you can say about her that's kind of a good thing. She's a cheerleader. Yes, first day of school and already accepted on to the cheerleading squad. Her older sister Amber's the captain and she just had to make sure that her little sister following in her footsteps was on the squad. What else about Krystin? She's really dumb, actually. I still remember that in the seventh grade, the French teacher asked her what 'Hello' was in French, and she said 'Oui'. Also, I'll never forget the time last year in English class, she sat beside me. One day, she asked me if the letter 'A' was a vowel or a continent. Yes, a _continent_.

"Umm... Krystin, can you move over a little bit?" she got a somewhat insulted look on her face and moved over. And I forgot to tell you, she's had a crush on me since she learned to see, which isn't a good thing at all since she follows me everywhere I go and laughs at every single thing that I say, even when it's not funny. It's the most annoying thing in the world.

"I'll be right back," I said to them as I got out of my seat. I walked over to the vending machine and put my dollar in. I pressed 'B6' to get a Twix bar. It got stuck.

"What the hell!" I mumbled as I started to hit the machine with my hand. As time passed by, I kept hitting it harder and harder.

"Calm down, buddy..." a familiar voice said from behind me.

I turned around to see her standing there. I didn't even know her name.

"Stupid thing got stuck." She laughed a small laugh and walked in front of me. She put a dollar in and bought a Twix bar for herself. She turned around and handed me the chocolate bar. "Thanks," I said as I smiled at her, and she flashed one back.

I noticed her braces. It's not like everyone in the population of our school didn't have them. Clear on the top. Never would've noticed. She had green on the bottom. You'd think that they'd make it look like she had lettuce or spinach or something gross in her teeth, but they didn't. They looked perfect. Cool, too. Just because my favourite colour was green.

Then, I found it unbelievably uncomfortable how I was standing there staring and analysing her braces. _Another_ nerdy moment for me.

"Yeah, I guess those drugs can make you act like that sometimes," she said as she started to open the package of her chocolate bar.

I laughed, "Yeah," trying to keep my cool as much as I could.

"So you _are_ on drugs, hm?" she said.

"What? No, I was just agreeing with you that they can do that," I replied, leaning against the vending machine, yet again trying to keep it cool.

"Isn't that what they all say?" she asked with a hint of a joke in her voice.

I just smiled, and she smiled back as she walked out the cafeteria door and down the hallway.

I then walked back to my table and got mauled my Krystin for the rest of lunch.

Loraine had to drive me and Sarah home. I wasn't that happy about it, but I didn't mind. I had barely any homework, which made me happy. The drive home was quiet, and we all didn't talk to each other at all. I just stared out the window the entire time.

As we were coming up our street, I saw someone who looked familiar.

In no time, I had noticed that it was the girl from Science class. Lab partner girl. That's all I have to call her right now. A full day and we still don't know each other's names. Sad.

She was walking up her driveway which didn't seem to be far at all from my house. Maybe she was new here.

We pulled up the drive way and I got out of the car immediately and walked inside. When I got up to my room, I threw my bag on to the floor and flopped on to my messy bed.

After a while of sitting and staring at my ceiling, I got kind of bored. I sat up, grabbed my skateboard and went outside.

"Loraine! I'm going out boarding!" I shouted as I heard her vaguely say 'Whatever!' from up in her room. I shrugged and walked out the front door, closing it behind me.

I didn't exactly know where I was going, but I knew that I had an idea. Something made me want to go over to where I saw that girl earlier. She made me wonder.

I made my way over, doing small tricks here and there on the way. Finally, I made my way up the large Victorian house with yellow brick and fancy, white trim. After staring at the house and curiously looking around it, I heard the sound of a ball hitting something.

I looked around the house and moved slightly over to the side to see if I could see around. That's when I saw her. She was in her backyard kicking a soccer ball up against her fence.

I stood there debating with myself if I should go and talk to her for I don't know how long. Finally, I decided to go and say hi.

I got off my board and picked it up as I started walking up the driveway. I pushed the gate open a bit more and walked through to see her stop kicking as the ball made its way under her foot. She was wearing an old white t-shirt and soccer shorts. She had her socks and cleats on as well.

"Hey," I said, holding my board around my back with both hands on either end. My attempt of standing in a 'cool' way.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she asked, a bit confused at how I knew where she lived.

"I was on my way home when I saw you walking up the driveway. I live around the corner."

She looked me over, and then went back to kicking her ball against the fence.

"So, you play?" I asked. She looked back at me with that sarcastic look that said 'Do I _look_ like I play?'

She smiled. "Yeah, I play."

"How long?"

"Since forever," she replied.

I smiled. "Cool."

"I thought so, too." She smiled again, looking gracefully over her shoulder.

"So, do you normally get all dressed up to kick the ball around?" I questioned her as she continued to kick the ball.

"Tryouts for the city team are today. They're at 4:30."

"City team, huh? You must be pretty good then," I said as I sat down on the grass and leaned back on my skateboard.

"You could say that," she said as she looked back once more and smiled.

It seemed like I sat there forever just watching her kick the ball. It's not like it was fun or anything, but I enjoyed the silence that seemed to overcome everything around us. Except for the sound of the ball hitting the fence.

"So, do you play?" she asked me as she stopped kicking.

"Captain of the school _and_ city team," I replied as she got an exaggerated, but surprised look on her face.

"Wow, aren't you too cool for school..." I laughed but then I kind of got the hint that she was kind of wasn't joking.

She sat down on the ball and faced me. "So, what else don't I know about you?" she asked. It was as if she thought she knew so much already.

"My name."

"That's right... what is it?" she asked.

"Well, what's yours?"

"I asked you first," she said.

"Jake."

"Bedelia."

"Are you joking me?" I asked.

"No."

"Oh."

She laughed, "I'm kidding, it's Arleigh."

"Nice name."

"Thanks." There was a slight silence for a moment.

"So, where's your practice?" I asked.

"North Hill Park, why?" she asked.

"Maybe I'll come check it out."

"And why would you wanna do that?" she asked me. Is it a crime now to go and watch someone play soccer?

"I just wanna see how good you _really_ are..."

She smiled. To me, it seemed like she almost got nervous, but she wasn't nervous. She seemed way too confident to be nervous about some weird guy she barely knows coming to see if she's a good soccer player. Maybe that's what she was nervous about? Some weird guy checking her out playing soccer. I'd be scared. Maybe that's because I wouldn't want some guy checking me out playing soccer since I am a guy. Eesh. That would be odd. I came out of my thoughts when she spoke up.

"Prepare to be amazed."


	2. Puzzles

Who I Used To Be

Chapter Two

Puzzles

* * *

I _was_ amazed.

I would be surprised if she didn't make the city team.

She walked up to me after the try-out, "So, think I'm good enough for this city?" she asked.

I laughed, "Well... you're _almost_ there."

She smiled as we started to leave the park. "So, did you just move here or something?" I asked her as I slowly moved along the road on my skateboard.

"My family came here in the summer cause my Dad's job got transferred here from Michigan. It kinda sucked just because I had everything finally settled there. I was on the team, my grades were finally where I wanted them to be and I had just made a bunch of friends. It's not so easy just to pick up and leave that."

"You haven't made any new friends here yet?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "No one really talks to me at all." She paused. "_Actually_, you're the first one."

I wasn't believing what I was hearing. "_Really_?" I asked.

She nodded. I kind of sat there in bewilderment. I didn't know why I was so surprised that she didn't have any friends, mostly because it would be normal if it was only the first day of school. Second, I didn't even really know her. How could a whole bunch of people be her friends already when I barely am? She was here since the middle of the summer, though, and I can't believe I didn't even notice she was here.

"So, Jake, what's your story?" she asked me. I wasn't really expecting any questions about me.

"Five sisters, six brothers. _That's_ my story." I didn't really know what she was expecting me to tell her. But, what I did tell her basically _was_ my story.

"Big family, huh?"

"You could say that..." I said as I laughed lightly under my breath.

"So what about your friends?" she asked.

I wasn't really sure what to say about my friends. "_Well_, what about them?" I replied.

"Uhh... _who are they_?" she laughed a little.

"There's Scott, he's my best friend. Then, there's Kory and Ben. Ben's more outgoing, and Kory's just kind of there."

"What about that girl that was all over you at the lunch table?" she asked. Why did she have to see that?

"Oh, that's Krystin Patterson. Not exactly a friend. More like my 24 hour stalker. She follows me _everywhere_. She's liked me since she met me. _Cheerleader_. I take that to be self explanatory." I saw her smile as she laughed at my remark. It was almost like a laugh of relief.

"So, that's all you have to say for yourself?" she asked me as we turned a corner on to my street.

"What else do you wanna know?"

"Well, do you like anything other than soccer and skateboarding?"

I laughed, "Yeah." She looked at me and gave me a 'continue' look. "Well... I play guitar. Blink 182, Greenday and Dashboard Confessional are the bands that I live by. My brothers and my sister and I like to play road hockey in the house... and I like to play football and basketball, too."

She looked pleased with my response.

We passed my house. "Don't you have to go home?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Nah. I'll walk you home. You never know what kind of goon will come out of the bushes and kidnap you these days."

She laughed, "It's 5:45. The sun's still out."

"You never know when they could strike," I smiled as she laughed. "So, what about _you_? What is there to know?" I asked.

She barely took any time to reply as she looked at me when she responded, "You're not gonna find out _that_ easily. You'll just have to wait and see." She laughed as we turned the corner on to her street as I all of a sudden had an urge to find out about her. I just wanted to figure her out. She was like a mystery. A puzzle.

"So you won't tell me _anything_?" I asked as she stopped and turned around to stand in front of me and I abruptly halted to a stop.

"I don't give in as easily as _you_ do." She smiled as she looked deep into my eyes. Oddly enough, as much as I can't look into people's eyes when they talk to me, I could just look straight back at her. "You're just gonna have to find out for yourself." After partly listening to what she was saying, and partly losing myself as I stared into her dark bluish grey eyes, she turned back around and I found myself walking beside her again as she stared up at the sky.

"So how do _you_ think that you did at the tryout?" I asked her as she looked down from her sky gazing.

"I don't know. A lot of those girls are _really_ good."

"I'm sure you'll make it."

"_Are_ you?" she asked me as she turned her head and looked at me.

I couldn't really tell what her face was trying to express. I couldn't tell if she was serious about the question or not.

"Well, why _wouldn't_ you make it? You're an amazing soccer player. You owned all those girls out there." I said as she turned away with a smile and I could hear her laugh under her breath.

"I told you you'd be amazed." I couldn't get over how confident she was in herself. Just after knowing her for only a day, I couldn't see her as being over-confident or conceited. She was just... proud. Not too proud, though. She was just her own person, and she loved that person that she was.

We reached her house within a matter of seconds after the last words spoken between us. I walked her up her driveway and on to her front porch. A light was lit, but the house seemed dark and empty.

"Is anyone home?" I asked as she turned to face me at her front door.

"I'm sure someone's in there somewhere," she replied as her face didn't seem to put forth any emotion.

"Are you sure?" I asked once more, trying not to sound over protective of a girl I had just met that day.

She laughed as she turned around and put the key that she had previously pulled out of her pocket into the door. "You worry way too much, Baker."

"Hey, how did you know-" She cut me off.

"The mailbox in front of your house." I laughed at my own stupidity. Whoot, Whoot for another nerdy moment of the amazing Jake Baker.

I laughed a little as she opened her door and turned around on the ledge of the step. "So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow..." I said as I pushed my hands into my pockets.

"Maybe..." she said with a reassuring smile as she closed her door.

I got home rather quickly. Still, all I could think about was Arleigh, and how much I wanted to know things about her. So far, I knew her name, that she likes to play soccer and that she likes the Ataris. Wahoo. Good job, Jake.

I walked up the steps to my front door and walked straight up to my room. I could tell it would be a long night just from the way she left me feeling on her doorstep.

I woke up the next morning knowing that it wasn't Sunday, or any day of the weekend. I wasn't late either.

I stood up out of my bed and threw on some clothes and didn't even bother to brush my hair. What guy does?

Walking down the stairs, I first saw Henry walk past the bottom of the stairs playing his clarinet. Not a new site to see. I walked into the kitchen to see Jessica, Kim, Nigel, Mark and Kyle all sitting at the kitchen table happily digging into eggs and bacon. I thought I'd join them since I was starving.

After I finished breakfast, I grabbed my bag and my skateboard went outside to wait for Loraine and Sarah.

Soon after, they both came out of the house as Loraine walked down the steps continuing to apply lip-gloss, and Sarah tossed her football around in the air as she made her way to the car.

Sarah wasn't as much of a tomboy as she used to be since she was in high school now and she was getting older and more mature. Although she was getting older, she still would never let go of the way she grew up and her love for sports. She didn't exactly dress like she used to, but she still had the same sort of attitude.

Loraine, however, never seemed to change her ways. She would always be the same Loraine. There were some good parts to that and some not too good parts as well.

The drive to school seemed to take forever, as usual. That only happens, too, on days that I actually want to get to school. What I didn't know was that I just should've stayed home sick that day. By the end, I was going to be sick enough anyway.

I got out of the car to see Scott, Ben and Kory waiting for me as they leaned up against a car in the school parking lot.

"Hey Baker," they said, in that way just like football jocks do. They use that over exaggerated tone like they're too cool.

"Hey," I replied as I returned a low slap on the hand to Scott.

Just as I did, I heard a voice say something to me from behind. I turned around to see Arleigh. "Hey Jake," she said. I didn't get a chance to reply before she spoke up once more. "Those your friends?" she asked me. Why did she have to ask that?

"Hey sexy! Baker, you tappin' _that_? _Damn_." Sometimes, Scott was the worst kind of person. That kind of guy who only cares about sexual kinds of things. This was one of those times, and it was one of the worst. Not to mention, he didn't take his eyes off of her and he just stood there checking her out as his head bobbed up and down like that turning thing with meat on it at the Deli.

"Wow... Jacob, Jacob- you lucky man! How you doin', sweet-tay?!" Not only was it Scott, but Ben seemed to be like that when it came to girls, as well. Kory, well he just kind of laughed along with them. He was the quiet kind.

I found myself standing between my friends and Arleigh and in the most uncomfortable situation. What was the worst part about it? I didn't choose the right side to go along with.

As Arleigh stood there looking for some sense of support from me, all I could do was smile back at her with the kind of look a girl doesn't exactly like to see. The thing was I didn't know I was making that look until I saw her walk away. I heard one thing that she had said under her breath just before she turned and left: _Well, at least my assumption of what kind of person you were turned out to be right..._ She laughed._ And I thought that you were gonna change my mind._

She left me standing there in the worst possible way with the worst possible feelings rushing through me.

"So, Baker, you with her or what?" Scott asked with a stupid smirk on his face.

My mood had changed to the total opposite from the moment Arleigh had come and said 'Hey' to me that morning. It went from 'overly happy' to 'one-more-word-and-I'll-smash-your-face-in'. It was quite a drastic change.

"I've gotta go." I said it with no expression. I didn't have time for that. I didn't have time for them. I couldn't believe in that moment that they were my best friends. Your best friends aren't supposed to be people like that. That was when I first realized some things. One- they were _never_ my _real_ friends. They were just _there_, and they had the reputation to go with it. Two- I _really_ needed some help on how listen to what your heart is saying, over what your mind is trying to make you think.

I needed to talk to her, but I felt like I couldn't. She wouldn't listen to me, so, what was the point in it all? Wouldn't I just be wasting my breath?

Science came faster than I had expected. In no time, I was sitting there staring at the back of her head, yet, I couldn't get the courage to talk to her.

"Hey Ar-"

"Don't even bother."

"Can I just talk to you?" I asked her, a pleading look on my face, one that she wasn't even able to see since she wasn't even looking at me.

"Why?" she turned around, as I soon noticed a scowl had appeared on her face. "So you can call me _sexy_? Or, _sweet-tay_? Do you wanna ask if you can _tap_ me? Because obviously, you really hinted to those so-called 'friends' of yours that you would be or already have done so. You know, I thought that you were a good guy at first." She paused as she looked me over. "Really shows how much I jumped to conclusions." I thought she was done, so I looked down in shame. Really- I was ashamed of what I had done, but being the unspoken person that I was, I couldn't say anything back. "You think your life is so perfect, don't you?" she asked me. I wanted to pipe it up and say _'No!'_, but I couldn't. It wasn't until later that I realized why. She then finished. "You wouldn't know what perfect was if it was shoved up your butt with a fire poker." With that, she turned around, leaving me to feel like the most worthless scum of a person in the entire world. Maybe I was?

The part that I hated most about it all was that, I had turned down all chances of me getting to know her. Why was I mad about _that_? She was a mystery to me. I didn't know anything about her. I wanted to know things about her and her family. What were they like? What was her old city like? What kinds of things did she like? She was like a puzzle without a picture. She had put together all the _pieces_, but there was nothing to _see_. She wasn't letting me see. It wasn't like I could just print a picture off the internet. As hard as I tried to get the right one, nothing would work for _her_ puzzle. She had to paint it herself.


	3. My Only One

Who I Used to Be  
Chapter Three  
My Only One

* * *

I hated myself.

Of course, it would've been better if I just looked at the situation and said _'Oh well'_, but it wasn't that simple for me. By doing that, I would've just been like any other heartless guy who couldn't give a damn about that girl.

But I did.

School the next day was already feeling horrible before I left the house.

I knew Arleigh was going to ignore me the entire day, which didn't help since she was my Science lab partner. Lorraine, Sarah and I got into the car and drove out of the driveway. As we went past Arleigh's house, I noticed that there wasn't any car in the driveway and no lights were on. That house always seemed cold. Cold and _empty_. We got to school not too long after that. I got out of the car and slammed the door a little too hard, but no one really noticed. Then, it was the moment my heart sank into my stomach.

Arleigh walked up the sidewalk alone and with her head down. Most guys would've just shrugged it off and said whatever, but it struck me as somewhat hard to bare and difficult to look at, so I turned around and walked into the school.

Math class wasn't all so bad that morning. We didn't get that much homework, which when I heard, smiled with glee. Math was the worst subject I had and, I was horrible at it. I wasn't looking forward to my next class. The second I got out of Math, my stomach started turning upside down and it felt like it was throwing itself at a wall. That's how nervous I was. Nervous? Well... not really the right word to describe how it felt. More like terrified. Truth was, I think I was more scared than she was. I walked into the classroom to see Arleigh already sitting at her desk. I walked up the aisle and past her where I couldn't see anything but her hair falling in front of her face as she leaned over on to her desk. I held my breath the moment I saw her until I sat down. I had made it that far. I probably should've said something to her the first thing I got into class. The thing was, I had already messed things up by not saying anything before that I thought that things couldn't get much worse if I continued not to talk.

Science went by slower than any class possibly could have. I felt like dying. I got out of my seat before Arleigh and walked straight out of the classroom. As I turned to go out the door I shot a quick glance over at her. She was sitting still and looking down at her desk. When she noticed me glance, I looked away and walked out the door.

Sadly, I had to sit with the jerks that ruined my life the day before at lunch. Ruined my life? I know... it's a _bit_ much, but- what they did make me realize that I didn't want to be around people like that. I wanted to be around her. I decided to put on my headphones and listen to a little Yellowcard while I ate lunch so that I wouldn't have to talk to anyone. I walked into the cafeteria with _'My Only One'_ blasting into my ears. The second that the song started I realized how much it really fit into how I had been feeling.

_Broken this fragile thing now _

_And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces _

_And I've thrown my words all around _

_But I can't, I can't give you a reason_

At the lunch table, all the guys gathered around me like nothing had happened the day before. Like usual, Krystin was practically _lying_ on top of me as much as I tried to get her to leave me alone. She was like an itch that never went away.

_I feel so broken up, so broken up _

_And I give up, I give up _

_I just want to tell you so you know_

The song seemed to echo in my head. I loved that song; but I hated how it made me feel. How did it make me feel? Worthless. _Scummy_. Like I did something so wrong, but Arleigh and I were the only two people who realized it. That was what got to me.

Scott didn't know.

Kory didn't know.

Ben didn't know.

Krystin didn't know.

I did. So did Arleigh.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you _

_You are my only one _

_I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do _

_You are my only, my only one_

The rest of the day the song seemed to keep humming in my head. I couldn't get it to go away, but I wasn't exactly angry at the fact. It seemed to make me realize a lot of things.

1. Use your effing _voice_ when your friend starts calling a girl you like stupid things.

_Made my mistakes, let you down _

_And I can't, I can't hold on for too long _

_Ran my whole life in the ground _

_And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone_

2. Don't stand there looking like an idiot with a dumb smirk on your face.

_And something's breaking up, breaking up _

_I feel like giving up, like giving up _

_I won't walk out until you know_

3. If I was going to get her back as a friend, I had to talk to her _and_ get her to listen to me.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you _

_You are my only one_

_I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do _

_You are my only my only one_

4. I must _really_ have it for this girl.

_Here I go so dishonestly _

_Leave a note for you my only one _

_And I know you can see right through me _

_So let me go and you will find someone_

5. My life _isn't_ perfect... and I always thought it was.

_Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you_

_You are my only one _

_I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you _

_You are my only_

I realized this one when I saw Arleigh for the last time that day, walking up her steps into her cold and gloomy house.

6. She's the only person I would go _this_ crazy for. She's the _only one_.

_...My only one._

* * *

(A/N: Sorry for such a short chapter this time! I know I haven't been updating that much lately but I've just had a test in every single subject this week and there's been a lot of work piling up lately! So, I'll try to get as much done as I can and once I get off for Christmas, I'll be able to do more. Hopefully, I'll come up with some more ideas as well! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and the song is My Only One by Yellowcard to let you all know. Review! -Brooke) 


	4. Confrontations

Who I Used to Be  
Chapter Four  
Confrontations

* * *

For a girl that I barely knew and had barely known for more than a day, I was taking this rather harshly. You'd think I'd be all like 'Wow… that's so sad… but oh well!' – definitely not. I was so effected by her not talking to me and I didn't even know why.

All I knew was that she made me think of things instead of just getting the answers handed to me.

"Jake! Get up right now!"

I sat up from my bed and rubbed my eyes. I looked over at my alarm clock that read 7:57 am.

Why was I always late?

I got out of bed and raced around grabbing any clothes that I could find off the floor. As usual, hair was not an issue, so I threw my bag over my shoulder and picked up my skateboard on my way out the door. I raced down the stairs and to the front door. Mom was standing in front of the door as she just finished closing it.

"Sorry Jake, they had to leave. I'll take you in later."

You would think I'd be happy to not have to get a drive with Loraine and to miss a little bit of my morning. I just wasn't. I wanted to get to school so that I could talk to Arleigh before it was too late and she just wouldn't talk to me anymore. I had waited a week already… I didn't want to wait any longer. I was going to talk to her, and she was going to listen.

"Uh… mom, I'm just gonna board there, then. Thanks though."

I opened the door and ran down the driveway to the street.

"But Jake, it's so far."

"That's alright!" I shouted from the end of the driveway as I pushed off and started on my way.

By the time I got there, I was late for first period. I wanted science to come so badly I was counting down the minutes. I asked to go to the bathroom right before the bell went so I could get out and go to Arleigh's first period class. I grabbed my stuff and walked out of the class to find her room. By the time I got there, the bell had just rung and kids fled from their classrooms and off to their lockers. I waited by the doorway until she came out.

"Arleigh?"

She walked right past me and didn't give me one single glance. I followed up next to her.

"What do you want?" she asked.

"I _need_ to talk to you."

"It seems that that's all you've been needing to do lately."

"Well maybe it's because I need to tell you something important." When I thought of it, it sounded right. But, it came out the wrong way. Almost in a rude way, and rude was not going to get her to listen.

She reached her locker and was about to open it until she heard me say that.

"What are you gonna tell me, Jake? That you're _sorry_? I think it's a little too late for that now. I mean, you embarrassed me in front of those guys. Not to mention, you made it look like we'd been hooking up _all summer long_ when I'd barely known you for 24 hours. You know what those asshole friends of yours did the day after?"

I didn't know what she was talking about. I never heard anything about them doing something. They never mentioned a thing since it happened. That also might have been because I haven't talked to them ever since.

"They put an article in the school paper talking about how you and me have been having some secret thing all summer long. And- they included a picture. A rather well-put together piece of art if you ask me."

I had visions running all through my mind wondering about what they could've written or what kind of picture they could've put in there.

"They… _what_?"

Arleigh shut her locker and held her science books in her hands.

"Here's a souvenir." She shoved a piece of paper against my chest. "I'll see you later, Jake." She said it so plainly. So… hateful. Then, she walked off to class without another look at me.

I turned around and watched her walk away. I hated that feeling. Then, I looked down at the paper in my hand. It was crumpled up, so I pulled the paper apart. It was some disgusting picture of two naked people with faces of me and Arleigh pasted on top. At the bottom of the page it read 'Look what Jake and Arleigh were doing all summer long!' I lost track of thought. I was just so overwhelmed that two people I considered to be my best friends did this. I mean, how could they? And, how could I not do something…?

You might think that what I thought I had to do was pretty stupid, and not exactly the right decision. It didn't seem like that to me at the time. All I was thinking after I saw the newspaper was that I couldn't stand there and do nothing like I did in the first place.

I went outside at lunch to find Scott, Ben and Kory hanging around some older sophomores. They were around the outsides of the forest around our school. No one ever went around the forest.

I tried to walk up to them as confident as I possibly could've, with the picture scrunched up in my left hand.

There was nothing going through my mind but Arleigh and how much I hated what they'd done to her. She gets to a new school for the billionth time and the second day in, she's already got dirty pictures about her in the school paper? I wasn't going to let them get away with it.

"Hey Scott!" Scott looked up from the group of guys. The second he noticed it was me he got an ugly grin on his face. It was a grin that made my stomach cringe… because I knew that he was ready for me.

I opened up the piece of paper and threw it in his face with a shove. "What the hell is this?" I asked him.

"You didn't like the wonderful piece of art I made for the two of you?"

I hated him. I hated him so much I just wanted to punch him so hard in the face right then and there.

"Why would you do something like this? This isn't _you_."

As much as I knew that this was something that Scott could come up with, I also knew that he had some sense in his head that knew deep down it was wrong.

"How do you know what's '_me_'? You clearly weren't a close enough friend of mine to tell me about this _hot_ relationship you kept under wraps over the summer!" He said it almost as if he knew there wasn't a relationship and that Arleigh and I were just friends. He was just messing around with me.

"You know that we didn't know each other till school started!"

"How do you know? I mean… I did catch this with my camera!" He held up the picture. I couldn't keep all my anger in any longer.

I punched him

Not the hardest punch, but it knocked him back a little.

Really… it was a mistake.

He stood there for a little while, wiping some of the blood from under his nose onto his sleeve.

Next thing I knew, the whole group of them were coming at me. It was like some huge army of jocks coming at me as fast as they could to get a swing.

The last thing I remember hearing was from Scott.

"Now that… _that_ was a mistake."

I figured by then, that someone must've found me and I'd be at the hospital by now. I thought it was just some nurse talking to me like I was some 5 year old mentally challenged kid. But, when I became more in focus I noticed that she wasn't using that childish tone with me, and that I definitely wasn't in a hospital yet.

"Jake? Jake? Shit… Jake, can you hear me?"

I rolled my head around a bit. I went to lick my bottom lip and it stung. That was the least of my pain, though.

"Huh… huh?" I moaned and rolled my head around some more as it ached. It took me a while to notice my head was in her lap.

"Jake… what the hell did you try to do?"

I tried to sit up and explain it to her… but once I tried, she pushed my body back down into her lap.

"No… don't try to sit up." She rummaged through her bag a bit beside her. "Hold on… I'm calling an ambulance."

I really didn't think I needed an ambulance. That was probably because I hadn't taken a look in the mirror yet.

I remember the sirens. I remember them coming and putting me on to a stretcher. I remember the ride to the hospital. I remember being taken into a room and having doctors and nurses bandage me all over. The one thing I'll never, ever forget- the warm feeling of her hand in mine the entire time.

* * *

(A/N: So, I know it's not much. Maybe it is? I don't really know. I hope you all like it. I'm finally back on track with this story and really into it again. Thanks for your reviews that got me going on it again. I hope to be back with another new chapter soon. Maybe by the end of the week? Hopefully. Thanks again. Review! -brooklyn) 


	5. Chances

Who I Used to Be  
Chapter Five  
Chances

* * *

The next time that I woke up, I was still in that disgustingly uncomfortable bed. I opened my eyes to see an ugly, water-stained ceiling. I propped my head up on my pillow to see her next to me sitting in a chair, with her head on my bed, asleep… and her hand was still sitting gently inside of mine. 

When I moved around my hand a bit, I saw her head slowly arise. She rubbed her eyes a bit, and I noticed that already, they were slightly teary.

"Jake?"

I gave her what I thought was a smile, but I wasn't exactly sure when her reaction was crying a little harder.

Did those guys screw up my face?

She dove in to give me a huge hug, and when she pulled back, she had completely stopped crying.

"What the hell were you thinking, Baker? They could've… killed you or something!"

"I don't believe I was thinking when I punched him in the first place."

She laughed a little. It was a held back laugh, I could tell she was still angry with me. I'm guessing she was just happy Scott got punched in the face.

"Is it… bad?" I asked her.

She looked me over. Her face grew more serious.

"They said that you'll probably have to stay a couple more nights. They got you pretty good. How many of them were there?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't that sure. "Maybe… seven or eight?"

She got a surprised sort of look on her face. "Well… I guess you were lucky then."

"What exactly is wrong with me?"

She sat back down in the chair next to my bed and rested an elbow on my bed with her chin cupped in her palm.

"Well… they said you've got a lot of bruising and that you might have a fractured rib. I'm guessing from the kicking. You're all cut up on your face if you haven't noticed. That's as much as I've heard. No broken bones, though."

I'm guessing this was good news. It wouldn't take me long to recover then. Soon enough, I could get out of this disgusting place.

"Can I walk?"

She nodded.

We went for a walk around the floor I was on in the hospital. There wasn't much talking between us. It felt like there was too much between us at the time to make conversation.

I wanted to know so badly why she had called an ambulance and stayed with me for this long. She was so mad at me… why was she doing all this?

I spoke up from the silence. "Why did you stay with me after you found me?"

She got a nervous look on her face, almost as if she was hoping that the whole time the question wouldn't arise.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that you were so mad at me when you last spoke to me… why would you do this for me? I would've thought you would just have left me for someone else to find."

"I'm not that low of a person, Jake."

"Yeah… but why stay with me the entire time I've been here?"

She shrugged a bit, and stared at the floor as we continued walking.

"I felt bad. A little responsible."

"How could you feel responsible for this? I mean… you didn't do anything! I was the one who didn't say anything to them in the first place. I had that stupid look on my face when they said it. It was my friends who put the article in the paper. And it was my stupid idea to go and confront them about it, clearly looking for a fight. You haven't done anything that should give you guilt!"

We had stopped in a deserted corner of the hallway. She had tears falling down her face. She turned and looked at me.

"Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

She looked down at the floor, and it held her gaze for less than a second. She looked back at me. More and more tears began to fall.

"Everything you just said. I mean, why couldn't you just stick up for yourself? Why did you have to make it look like everything they were saying was true? Why, after everything, would you go and do something as stupid as you did? I mean, no offence, but you're not exactly the fighting type… especially against seven or eight football players."

I stood there for a while, trying to find the answers inside of me. For some reason, I couldn't find the right thing to say. I never could. I sat down in one of the chairs placed in the corner of the hallway. She continued to stand there. She stood there and just looked at me, waiting for an answer. As much as I didn't have one, my mouth just started to move and say things that I didn't know I knew.

"Those guys and everything that goes along with them… that was all that I had… before I met you."

I looked up at her and I could tell that I caught her off guard.

"They were my connection to everyone else, to everything else that I wanted. Before high school, I did _everything_ I could to hang out with them and just know what it was like to feel… like I didn't have to worry anymore. I was in. I was taken care of. I didn't have to worry about them beating me up at lunchtime, or them screwing things up so that I wouldn't make the team, or them humiliating me in front of people… or them messing with my brothers and sisters.

"If I messed up with them, it meant back down to where I used to be… and who I used to be when I didn't have them on my side. I can't even tell you how much I hated them before and I didn't wanna be that person again. That day… I was stuck in between the chance of losing them to you and it's not that that I was afraid of. To me, that's totally worth it."

I paused for a second. I didn't know if I was sure of what I was about to say. I didn't know how she'd take it. I didn't know if she'd take it or maybe she'd just say it was a bunch of bullshit. But… I said it anyway because I didn't care anymore… I just wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted her to know why I was so scared.

"The truth is… you terrified me. You scared me so much that I didn't know what to do. When you get so caught up in all the popularity and how much looking good in front everyone matters… you lose something. You forget about things. You scared me with the realization that people as real as you even exist. I'm-" I stood up to tell her.

"Save it, Jake." She cut me off. I fell back in my chair as she stood there, looking around, searching for words.

There was a long pause. The most uncomfortable pause I've ever felt between a person and myself. I looked up at her. "Look, Arleigh, just give me a chance."

She turned around to look at me. The look of patience that once concealed her face was now gone. She was angry.

"A chance to what… to screw things up again? Please, Jake… just save the self-pity thing for someone who cares."

She walked quickly down the halls until she started a slow jog. That slow jog immediately became a run. She ran around the corner and she was gone. I felt scared that it might be forever.

Arleigh kept running. She got down to the hospital doors and ran right through them. She ran down the sidewalk and across the street. She ran past the school and through the park. She ran along the river and up the hill until she finally got home. She ran up her front steps, into the dark and empty living room and up the stairs. She ran into her room and slammed the door shut.

She had been holding so much in for so long that she couldn't keep it in any longer. She pushed up against her door and slid down until she reached the ground. She threw her head into her hands and cried there for hours. It was the first time she could actually cry in as long as she could remember.

She slowly stood up from the ground and walked quietly over to her bed, tears still falling down her cheeks. She sat down primly, looked around, then flung herself backwards and sat there silently for quite a while, just staring at her ceiling. That was, until, she sat up and looked at her calendar. It had been two years exactly. Arleigh realized then, it had been two years to that day since her last tear had fallen.

* * *

(A/N: I know it's not much, but at least I updated- right? I hope you like this chapter, and I'm getting started on the next one right after I finish this A/N that I'm writing at the moment! I had a little writer's block there for quite a while, but I think it's gone now. I hope to be up soon with the 6th chapter, but we'll see how things go! Please review... -Brooklyn) 


	6. Sorry Doesn't Cut It

Who I Used To Be  
Chapter Six  
Sorry Doesn't Cut It

* * *

I hadn't seen Arleigh at school for the past week. I suspected that maybe she had gone somewhere with her parents or something. Most likely she had neglected to tell me for obvious reasons. I would probably be surprised if she had told me. Even though I had never seen much of her parents, I assumed she was with them or else I'm sure I would've heard something.

I sat there at the kitchen counter stirring around my Reese's Pieces until the milk turned a gross brown. I dumped the bowl into the sink.

It was a Saturday morning and I found myself with nothing to do but wait. Wait for Arleigh to decide to talk to me. Wait for a good show to come on TV. Wait for myself to come up with something the least bit entertaining for me to do. And that's when I realized once again, that I couldn't just keep sitting around waiting for things to happen. I had to keep talking to Arleigh and I had to keep trying to convince her that I didn't mean for what happened to happen. I needed to do something.

I grabbed my skateboard and yelled something through the house about me going out to board. As I reached Arleigh's house, I noticed that there wasn't a car in the driveway and that I may be out of luck. Then it hit me. There was never a car in the driveway.

I decided to hope for the best, and try and see if she was home anyway. I stepped off my board, picked it up and walked up to her front door.

I rang the doorbell once. I rang the doorbell twice. I rang the doorbell three times. I rang the doorbell until my finger started to hurt from pressing it so much. I didn't want to give up. I just kept telling myself that she was home, and that I knew she was home and that she just didn't want to come to the door.

"Arleigh!" I started to shout up towards the second floor. A window was open. "Arleigh! Please come down. I need to talk to you!"

There was no response. As I began to admit to myself that she wasn't home at all, I turned around to walk down the steps. Then I heard the door open.

I turned back around to see her standing there with the door barely open, and only a sliver of her face showing through the doorway.

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you."

"You already have talked to me."

"But you didn't listen."

"Yes, I did."

"But you ran away."

"Because I didn't wanna listen anymore."

"Exactly. You never let me finish."

"So, finish. I'm listening."

She never came out of her house. She never even let me see her completely. She just stood there with her nose poking out of the doorway.

"I'm sorry, Arleigh. I messed up and I'm sorry. What I did was stupid and a mistake."

She slammed the door.

"Arleigh!" I knocked loudly on her door. "What happened to you _listening_ to me?" I pressed my face up against the window surrounding the front door.

"I was listening!" She shouted from inside the house. It was dark and I couldn't see her walking around inside.

"Well, why won't you listen anymore, then?"

"Because you just keep telling me the same thing!"

"And what's that?"

She opened the door again and I jumped back from the window. This time, she came completely out of the house, shutting the door behind her.

"That you're sorry. I _know_ that you're sorry, Jake. You don't need to keep telling me because I already know that you are. But that… it doesn't _change_ anything. The more you keep saying it, the less I believe you that you actually are."

"What do you want me to say, Arleigh? I've said all that I can and I don't know what else to do to try and convince you that I'm sorry!"

"I just want to know _why_ you did what you did?"

"I don't know! I think I would've told you by now if I did! All I know is that when you first came here, I got nervous when I would see you walking in the halls. And every single time before I would talk to you, I would think about every little thing that I was going to say because I didn't wanna mess up in front of you. And when they started saying those things, I couldn't think fast enough of something to say. I was afraid that if I spoke up at a time like that when I wasn't sure of what was coming out of my mouth that I would screw up and you wouldn't wanna hang out with me anymore, or talk to me anymore. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get to know you.

"The thing is… I'm tired of being afraid! I don't _want_ to be afraid anymore."

She looked taken aback. She had a wide-eyed look on her face like I had scared her or something. But I knew that she wasn't afraid. She wasn't scared.

"I've gotta go." She went to open her door as she turned around to close it behind her.

"Wait!" She looked up at me. "Why do you keep running from me?" I asked her. She stood there and stared at me for a while.

"Why do you keep chasing me?" she asked. Then, she closed her door. I stood there, out of breath from all the talking. Fast talking, of course. I turned around and looked out at the street. I was lost for words. _She _caught me off-guard this time and I didn't know what to say.

Sunday came around pretty fast. Nora had come over for the day as she was coming through town on a job. Everyone was usually happy when Nora came home. It was as if she was the one who held us all together. When Nora was home, everyone was at peace with each other.

I sat up in my room, tossing a football above my head. I heard a knock on the door. I didn't look over to see who it was.

"Come in."

Nora walked into my room. "Hey," she said as she sat on my bed, "how've you been?"

I looked over at her, then went back to tossing the football. "Could be better."

"What's up?"

I objected to telling her in my head, but it all started to pour out of me.

"There's this girl."

She instantly interfered. "Ah, a girl. What's her name?"

"Arleigh. And she's really mad at me and I just can't get her to understand that I made a mistake."

"Well, what was this mistake that you made?"

"My so-called friends started saying a bunch of stupid stuff to her and I guess I stood there with some stupid look on my face. It made her think I agreed with the things that they were saying when I just didn't know how to stick up for her or myself. Then, they made up stupid stuff about us in the school paper and I thought I could stand up to them. That did not work out so well."

"I definitely heard about this 'gang'. You doingokay now?"

I nodded.

"Why did you do that, anyway?"

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking."

"Really."

I lay back on my pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I have no idea what to do anymore."

Nora looked around and then back at me. "How long have you known her?"

"Two weeks, maybe?"

"And it's this serious already? Wow…"

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"How much do you like her, Jake?"

I sat there for a while, considering very much before answering the question.

"More than my words can explain."

She looked surprised. I guess she had never heard me talk so seriously about someone before.

"Does she know that?"

I looked down as a sign that the answer was no.

Nora nodded and she understood more fully. She looked back at me, "You have to tell her how you feel, Jake. That's all that you can do to get her to understand."

I nodded slowly and gave Nora a half smile. "Thanks, Nor."

"Anytime, bud." She leaned in and gave me a hug and then walked to the door. "Hey, Jake?"

I looked up, "Yeah?"

"Good luck with this girl."

I smiled, "Thanks."

She smiled back and then left the room, leaving me to think.

After about an hour of draining out on the subject, I decided to use Nora's advice and tell Arleigh how I felt. I walked over to her house that night expecting to most likely interrupt her families Sunday night dinner, but I didn't really care. I just wanted to let her know right then and there how I felt about her. It wouldn't take that long. It was only a few things that I had to tell her and then that would be it. So, I went over there anyway.

I walked up to her front door and rang the doorbell. Her porch was dark and empty. No furniture was placed anywhere on the large wraparound deck. And once again, the house was almost completely dark.

Arleigh came to the door and opened it halfway.

"Do you ever leave people alone?" she asked.

I felt as if I was almost smiling just because I was there and was about to tell her what I had wanted to tell her for so long.

"Before… you asked me why I kept chasing you."

She nodded. I could tell she was probably thinking that I sounded like the stupidest person on the planet in that moment, but I didn't even care.

"Yes… have you decided to tell me why, because I'd like to know so that maybe I can get you to stop." She had started to use that smart thing with me now… it was almost sarcasm. I found myself not even noticing.

"I like you, Arleigh. I like you a lot. I might even love you, I don't really know right now. All I know is that I keep chasing you because I'm not ready to give someone as amazing as you up so easily. I am not going down without a fight because I know that there is something between us. Even if you don't want to admit it, it's there and it's going to be whether you like it or not. You changed me, Arleigh. I am a different person because of you. If you were any other girl, I would not be on your doorstep right now telling you all of this."

I found myself getting really serious from the happy person I was two minutes ago, but I didn't really care because… she was listening.

"I may have known you only for one day before all of this stuff happened but that doesn't matter to me. I have never felt this way about anyone… and I feel this way for you and that feeling is not going to change anytime soon so it would be great if you could just tell me how you feel for once, Arleigh. Just once."

She stood there, speechless I'm guessing, for a while. Not one word was spoken between the two of us. That was, until she spoke up.

"I need to tell you something."

* * *

(A/N: More to come soon! Hope you like it. –Brooklyn.) 


	7. Just Listen

Who I Used To Be 

Chapter Seven

Just Listen

* * *

Those six simple words made a billion things run through my head. Did she have a disease? Was she some undercover agent working for the FBI? Was she secretly a man? Okay, scratch the last one. But you get the picture. 

"Hm?" It was all I managed to get out of myself.

She stepped all the way out of her door and closed it behind her. With her hand still on the handle, it looked as if she was questioning herself in her mind. She turned around, pushed the door open so that I could see inside. It was completely dark. Although, through the dark of the room, I could tell that it was completely empty as well. No sign of any other people at all through the entire part of the house I could see through the front door. She then closed the door once again and turned to look at me. She stood there on her front step thinking I could put together all the pieces just from a tiny peek into her empty house. I was still confused.

"Um-"

"I live alone." She cut me off. She had a habit of doing that.

I stared at her. She stared at me. I had kind of put that part together… but I let her continue.

She looked away from me, her gaze now held by the deck of the porch. "It's a long story, really." She looked back up at me. "I don't wanna keep you-"

"It's okay. I can stay."

She nodded and walked down the front steps and across the grass, as she settled herself on the street curb. I stood there for a second on the porch with my hands in pockets. Then, I followed her over to the curb and sat myself down beside her.

She sat there for a while. Most likely considering all the places in which she could start to explain things to me. I imagine she had a lot to say. She rested her hands in her lap and leaned forward, staring at the empty street. "My parents are both dead."

I looked over at her, a clear expression of shock spread across my face. She looked back at me, and then quickly looked away when she noticed my expression. I also looked away. There was silence.

"I'm sorry."

Sorry.

The most normal and most natural reaction when hearing something so terrible and tragic.

It's like people expect you to say it, but when you do, they tell you not to be sorry. It's stupid really. It's not even the right emotion. You're not sorry… you feel bad. You have sympathy for someone… but you're not going to walk up to him or her and be like 'I have sympathy for you'. You can't just go out and say that you feel bad for a person, so it's like the thing you say to cover up that you feel bad. I mean, sorry is the thing that you say when you did something wrong and you want to make up for it. Like what I did to Arleigh… I was and still am so sorry for that. Hearing that someone died a long time ago? You feel bad for the person… and you wish that you could do something but you can't do a thing about it but tell them that you're sorry. The odds of you saying that you're sorry making the person feel better? Slim to none. But it's all that you can do to let them know you're there.

She swung her head around and looked at me. I noticed this, and turned to look at her as well. I noticed the seriousness on her face and how she looked slightly angry- not at me, just angry. "Don't be." She shook her head and looked back on to the street. "It's not what you think."

I kept my eyes on her. "Then what is it?" I asked.

She looked back at me, and I could tell she was holding back some tears.

"I was born addicted to heroin."

That was definitely not what I expected.

"My dad's job didn't get moved here during the summer from Michigan. Both my parents died two years ago." She paused for a second. "A week and two years ago."

I was kind of lost. I mean, I knew what she was saying and none of it was extremely confusing. But just the fact that this was what she was hiding behind that big empty house. It was so much to take in and I knew that I hadn't even heard the full story yet.

She looked over at me and my overly concerned face almost made her slightly angry.

"Don't feel bad for me Jake. The past two years have been completely littered with people feeling bad for me. I don't need that."

"Then what is it you need?"

She paused and kept her gaze on the ground. She then looked up at me. I've never had someone stare so deep into my eyes. It was like she was jumping inside of me because she wanted to plead with me so badly on whatever she was about to tell me.

"For you to _listen_." She continued to look at me.

In that moment, as the two of us sat on the street curb in front of her big, dark, empty house, tears bulging up in her eyes, something happened. I've never felt so unconcerned for every single thing that was going on in my life or any other. All my life I had been so concerned with myself and everything to do with my life. Not once did I ever take two seconds to listen to what someone else had to say about his or hers. It was always me talking about what problems I had when I never took two seconds to stop and notice that something much bigger and much more important could be happening to someone else. So, in that moment, as we sat there, for the first time… I listened.

I turned towards her; all my attention was on her. Nothing in the world could have taken it away from her in that moment.

* * *

(A/N: So, I'm back? I guess. I don't really know… haha. I'm having really bad writer's block with this story. All suggestions are welcome. Maybe in the meantime I'll come up with something witty or clever. Or who knows… maybe your very idea will show up in the story. We'll just have to wait and see. –brooklyn) 


	8. Weight of the World

Who I Used to Be  
Chapter Eight  
Weight of the World

* * *

To be fully honest, I knew that there was something different about the girl inside the big, dark and empty house. To be fully honest, the second I met her, I sensed a sort of loneliness about her. I was just too self-centered and focused on myself to admit it or even take a second to look a little closer; to extend my hand out to her and offer a little help if she happened to need it; or, even to just be a friend. To be fully honest, I was solely interested in getting with her. The new girl – all the guys would be asking about her. 

That day, in front of the school, when they started chirping… I don't know what I expected out of that. Did I want that to happen? Did I know that it was going to? Could I really have expected anything different from my so-called friends? It wasn't like they hadn't done it before. Nothing really turned out like I had planned. I thought she was the kind of girl that wouldn't mind being talked to like that… most of them were. Or, the guys would ask me and want to get to know her so that they could swoop in for the steal, but they would never get the girl because the girls always found them even more annoying that me – that had happened before. Or, even that they would constantly ask me about her… I would tell them, and they would just gawk over her when she was around… but I would have her, for a while, at least. That was how it usually happened. A new girl would become the topic of interest, she would go for me, love the attention she would receive being the girlfriend of the infamous Jake Baker, then eventually get fed up with my asshole ways and move on; be a "has been". That's just how it usually went.

To be fully honest, I should have noticed from the start that she wasn't that kind of girl. She was far too smart to just go along with that humiliation just to have a few moments of fame as the girlfriend of the school's most recent popular boy attraction. I don't understand how I could've been so stupid. That was exactly why the guys took it so far… they knew she wasn't like all the rest and they knew that she wasn't one of those girls who would just take it and go along with it – they knew that they could get to her – and they did. Maybe that was why I was so intrigued by her the second I met her… she wasn't like all the other girls I usually went for. She was different. I knew it, too! She wasn't a cheerleader… she was on a team that actually accounted for some skill other than spinning and twirling and yelling "go, team, go!" in some skanky outfit. No offence to all the cheerleaders out there that actually _are _talented and compete. I mean the ones that just bounce around at football games. That was the type that I usually went for. The kind that wasn't bright enough to look past the fake exterior and see me for the ass that I really was deep down. That day, in the parking lot, she said it, too. She assumed me to be that way right off the bat… and she was right. However, the big yellow school bus, the sign in flashing lights was that… I cared when she lost complete interest. When she was so extremely upset with me, it bothered me in the worst way. Maybe it was because I'd never had a girl lose interest in me… but, I knew it was because I cared. I cared because she was different. I cared because I liked the person I saw inside of her and not what I saw _on_ her.

To be fully and entirely honest – I hate the person that I used to be. I look back and one word comes to mind – regret. I feel like shit for all the girls that I used; that I wore around my shoulder just to look good. I feel like shit for all the "I love you's" that I didn't mean. I feel like shit for every single time that I belittled some one or made someone feel like they weren't good enough. I feel like shit for every time that someone would try to talk to me and I was too focused on myself to listen. I feel like complete, utter _shit_.

The day I first met Arleigh and I was walking her home, I asked her about herself and she told me she wasn't going to find out that easily. Now, when I think back, I kind of wonder what extravagant story she would have told me about her life. Maybe she would have told me that she lived in France on a vineyard and made wine for the whole beginning of her life. Or maybe she would have said that she backpacked around Australia or possibly that she lived in Japan or Singapore and that she could speak Japanese. Who knows what her plan was in the beginning? All I know is that I never could've predicted the story that she told me that day on the curb in front of her house. I never could have predicted that a string of events such as the one that happened to her could possibly happen all to one person and that they would subsequently still be standing in the aftermath.

I've never had so much respect for a person as I do for Arleigh. The amount of strength she must have to have overcome all the measures she's encountered in her life is unbelievable. I'm kind of jealous of her for that.

I sat there in bewilderment as she sighed, speaking the final words of her story.

"So, yeah… that's my story."

Classic end-of-story words. She was always one for being blunt; quite to the point.

I didn't exactly know what to say to her.

"Is everything okay now?"

Kind of a stupid question… but I suppose I was curious to know.

She snorted a little laugh. "Is everything ever entirely okay?" She smiled.

I was rather amazed at how she could embrace such a light mood after telling a story of such depth. Of course, you could still see the leftover tears encircled in her eyes and the slight smudge of makeup underneath each one.

"You're right about that one."

She smiled. "Oh Jake… things almost never turn out the way that you think they're going to."

"They do sometimes."

"I said _almost_ never."

"Right."

"Hmph." Another snort of a laugh.

I had to ask her. "How can you be in such a light mood so soon after telling me all of that?"

She paused and looked down at the pavement. Her smile soon went flat. She wasn't sad, just expressionless.

"Honestly, it just feels good to tell it. For so long, I didn't talk to anyone. When my parents first died, I was literally a mute. I didn't say a word. I hid behind my sadness. But when my aunt was still alive, I always had her to talk to. She was the one who got me to start speaking. She got me to realize that talking about everything was almost like therapy and that holding everything in got no one anywhere. For the past year, though, I've had no one; no one to talk to, no one to laugh with… no one. Silence starts to get pretty loud after a while. Telling you just there… it felt good. It's not like I'm gonna go around and broadcast my life story to everyone… obviously you know that."

She nudged me with her elbow. I laughed lightly under my breath as I stared down at the ground. I could see her gazing up at the sky in the corner of my eye. I looked over at her.

She removed her gaze from the sky and on to me.

"You're the only other person I've ever told that to."

I couldn't believe it. Of all people to tell, she told me? I thought that she must've at least had a therapist that she told the story to or a support group or something of that sort. When she told me that talking about it was good therapy, I thought she literally _went_ to therapy.

"Why me?" Once again, I had to ask.

She slowly grew a smirk on her face in the right corner of her mouth. I had come to notice that that was her trademark smirk. She looked down at the ground and then back around to me.

"Because I know that you honestly and truly regret what happened between us. Because you actually fought back, as stupid of an idea as it was." She paused, looking at the ground, then back at me. "And because I know that you _care_."

As soon as she finished she immediately looked down at the ground, still smiling. I sat there; basically staring at her while I smiled. Oddly enough, I was somewhat proud of myself in the moment. I had actually done something right for once; something _good._ It was unbelievable how great of a feeling that was.

"You're my first real friend."

"You have imaginary friends, too? See, my mom tried to tell me that I was the only one who still had them… but I told her 'Mom! I am not the only one! There are many others like me out there, but they're just not ready to come out of the closet about it yet.' It's good to know there are others out there just like me. I always knew there was… but now I know for sure."

She punched me in the arm.

"Ow."

Her punches were hard; that one hurt.

She laughed, mockingly. "Jerk."

"I know you love me."

"Yeah, whatever."

She tried to hold the serious card, but that smirk soon appeared in the right corner, once again.

We sat there and talked for hours and eventually the sun started to set. My mom eventually started attackingly calling my cell phone on rampages wondering why I hadn't checked in or been home in the past few hours. I told her to chill and she freaked out more and eventually it came to the point that I had to come home or I'd be grounded for a week. Soon enough, Arleigh and I said goodbye and I was off on my way home to be left to my thoughts. Really, the hardest thing for me was trying to deal with the fact that I couldn't have been there for her all those years before when she faced her many struggles. I wish I could have been. However, I could be there for her now… and that was good enough for me.

She no longer had to carry the weight of the world all by herself.

* * *

(AN: Really, really, really, really hoping to get another chapter up soon! Sorry for the extremely long wait guys... I had extremo bad writers block. I'd like to hope it's gone now.. I think I've got a few good ideas going. Check back soon for another update! Thanks.) 


	9. Friends

Who I Used to Be  
Chapter Eight  
Friends

* * *

"Kraft Dinner sound okay?" 

"Yeah, that's fine!" Arleigh yelled from upstairs.

The past few days seemed like a blur. They were full of so much information, not to mention the context of it was pretty rough to take in. Especially coming from her.

Yet, I still knew that there was so much I still didn't know. That was the hardest part to believe.

"How is it?" I asked as she came down the stairs and sat down at the table. She took a fork full of noodles.

Chewing.

Chewing.

"Did you add any milk?"

"Was I supposed to add milk?"

"Jake, did you even read the instructions?"

I sat there, expressionless. "There were instructions?"

"Okay, give me your bowl." I handed her my bowl as she picked up her own and she walked over and put them on the counter, then pulling the milk out of the fridge.

The biggest thing about Arleigh was that she didn't like people feeling bad for her. That was the main thing I learnt that night and that was the hardest part for me.

I didn't know how she expected me to not feel even guiltier about how I had treated her, or even just for her in general after hearing what she'd been through all her life. It's difficult to rid yourself of compassion, especially for someone, in my opinion, that was in such need of it.

The topic of what had happened earlier that month between Arleigh and I hadn't come up since our talk out on her curb. To some extent, I was kind of glad. But something inside of me wanted to know if she still cared.

"Here. Clump-free this time."

I laughed. "Thanks."

"No problem, Baker." She smiled and looked down and began to eat her Kraft Dinner.

I just sat there, half staring at her, half looking through her at the wall, going over what I could possibly say to her in my head. She looked up and noticed my staring- more so at her than the wall behind her head.

"What are you looking at?"

She asked it with her usual attitude. The kind of attitude that I noticed the first day of school when I was watching her kick a ball around in her backyard. It was classically and originally Arleigh. It made me laugh.

"What?" she asked again.

"Nothing." I looked back down at my food and began to eat. She did, too.

"Look Jake, I know when you want to say something," she said in between bites, "so just say it."

I continued eating.

"Well…?"

I looked up. "It's nothing, Ar."

"Fine."

We both began eating again. I could tell she was bothered I wasn't sharing what was going on in my head. That was also another thing about Arleigh. You couldn't bring something up with her and not give her the full lowdown. She couldn't be intrigued and then be let down. She had to know the full story.

"C'mon Jake. Tell me, _please_."

I knew I wouldn't be able to put up with her pleading for the rest of the night. So I gave in. Just like I usually did with her.

"I was just wondering if you were still kinda angry about the whole rumour thing?"

She paused, staring at her bowl, then looked up at me.

"It's fine, Jake. I think you proved to me that you were sorry enough. I understand why you did it. It's cool."

"It is?"

She nodded.

"Okay, cool."

I've actually never been so happy. Just to know that that was all out of the way was such a relief.

"Friends?" she asked.

Friends.

To be honest, I'd actually thought that whole 'friends' or 'more than friends' thing over. I may have liked Arleigh in the spur of the moment that I first met her. Okay, so I really liked her and it wasn't just in the spur of the moment. I liked her until 4 days ago. But I realized that I didn't really want that. I knew that she didn't need that right now and I wasn't about to ruin the friendship that I had just rebuilt with her. Or, I guess you could say the friendship I had just started with her. Not to mention, I didn't think she _wanted _that right now. Any kind of relationship was probably the last thing on her mind. Except now, on mine, too. It wasn't the right thing for us.

"Friends," I said. I smiled.

"So do you wanna go skateboarding or something?" she asked.

"You skateboard?" I asked her, completely shocked.

"Are you kidding? I can't even stand up on one of those things. Let alone stand up on one when it's moving. No, I'll run beside you, thanks." She laughed.

I smiled slightly disappointed, but at the same time not at all. Things wouldn't be so interesting if we had too much in common.

"Kay, let's go."

I went outside and messed around doing tricks here and there on my skateboard while I waited for Arleigh to get changed to go for a run.

She _loved_ to run. I could just tell. She would never turn down any opportunity to go for a run. As I was grinding along the curb, she walked out her door dressed in shorts and a t-shirt and running shoes. She locked the door behind her and walked down her driveway with a water bottle in her hand. She was ready. The second she hit the pavement she was running. She was _home._

"Okay bud, let's go."

She started down her street to the right as I started gliding alongside her. The funny thing was, she put up a bit of a challenge for me to keep up with her and I was the one on the skateboard.

We went as far as the school and came back around through North Hill Park and back down my street and around the corner back to her house.

She barely broke a sweat.

"That was fun," she said as I picked up my skateboard and walked up her driveway with her and on to her porch.

"Yeah," I laughed to myself, "you can really run."

She smiled. "Yeah… kinda."

She unlocked her door and walked into her empty living room and let me in behind her.

"I better go have a shower." Her voice echoed through the house.

"Okay, I should probably get back for dinner sometime soon, anyways," I replied.

We stood there for a moment, silence somewhat overtaking us as it often did when we were saying goodbye.

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

"Okay, bye."

"Bye."

She shut the door.

I walked down her steps and down her driveway onto the street and started to skateboard home.

It was definitely still awkward between us, but at least there was somewhat of a friendship there now, at least more than there was before. Seeing as there wasn't really one before, this was an improvement. I was happy. I hoped she was too.

* * *

(A/N: So, this is kind of a shit chapter, I know. But, it kind of had to happen so that it wasn't constant drama going on. Even though I know we all love that, it's kind of a transition chapter to get to the good stuff- which I hope is coming when I ever find time to write in between applying for university and keeping my grades up so I actually get in! So, this chapter has been on my computer for a while and I decided to put it up… just something to hopefully keep you all interested until I find the time to write some more – I really want to keep this going since I've been getting some really good positive feedback lately. Anyways, until next time, enjoy the chapter even though it's rather boring and hopefully you still love me when I finally get the chance to update again! – Brooklyn.) 


	10. Admittance

Chapter Ten  
Who I Used To Be  
Admittance

* * *

Friday – finally. 

It always seemed that weeks were more like years, just waiting for the weekend to eventually come along… and it was finally here.

I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do… I was just happy that I didn't have to spend a good six hours the next day sitting in a boring classroom learning about things that I probably won't use at any point in my future.

Basically, math and science.

I walked out of last period geography and walked down the hall and turned the corner around to where Arleigh's locker was. To my surprise she was already there, hustling about trying to fit all of her textbooks into her tiny little backpack.

"I think you need a bigger one,"

"Oh really? Good observation, Baker."

Always with the sarcasm, that one.

"Well, maybe we could go to the mall sometime this weekend?" I proposed to her.

She looked at me, a snide look spread across her face.

I knew she hated malls.

"You know I hate malls."

"Well… if you never go to one, you'll never be able to get a bag to fit all those wonderful hunks of knowledge in! And – you know you'll embarrass yourself when that one falls to pieces from overload and all you stuff falls all over the floor in the middle of the hallway…"

She huffed as she blew her bangs off her forehead and they flew into the air, then lightly flopping exactly back into place.

She began digging around in her locker again. "I guess we can stop by there… but only for a half hour _max_ – those things are filled with fake brand name associated junk heads."

"May I ask where you _do_ happen to buy all your clothes?"

She shrugged, closing her locker and throwing her tiny yet stuffed bag over her shoulder. "Vintage stores… Used clothes stores… sometimes I even search through rich peoples' garbage cans!" she shrieked.

I shot her a look.

"Obviously I'm kidding…" she nudged me on the shoulder as we walked out the back doors of the school to find Loraine pulled right up outside, constantly checking her watch until she looked back to the doorway again and saw me standing there.

"Jake, where have you been? I have to get home to get ready for my date with Ben!"

"Loraine… it's been like five minutes since the bell rang."

"Yeah – I know! And I only have four hours and 55 minutes now to get home and get ready!"

I snorted, and I heard Arleigh snort next to me as well. We looked at each other.

"Ok, well I'll call you later tonight about tomorrow. Sound good?" I asked her.

She nodded and smiled. "Yeah, see ya later."

I turned to get in the car before I turned back towards Arleigh. "Hey, do you want a ride?"

"No… it's okay – I feel like walking anyways."

"Okay," I said, "see ya." I smiled at her as I got into the car. I had barely closed the door before Loraine started speeding out of the school parking lot and out on to the street, turning like a crazy person as cars coming down the road honked at her.

"Whoa, Lor! Anxious enough?"

She laughed. "So, what's the deal with you and Arleigh?"

"What do you mean?"

She laughed, again. "What do I mean? I mean, I can totally see that little thing you guys have going between each other."

"What little thing?"

What little thing? Truth be told, I knew exactly what Loraine was talking about.

It had been two years now since Arleigh and I finally worked things out and she told me what happened. We were in grade eleven and, honestly, I've never been this close with a person. We did everything together. She was my best friend – quite possibly my only friend. Really, it just seemed like I didn't need anyone other than her. Everyone at school just kind of ditched me when they found out that I stuck by her and… also that I wasn't going to take any of their shit anymore. I had had enough. It actually turns out that Arleigh became one of the most sought after girls in our high school. But, of course, absolutely no one could get her. She was unreachable.

Well… really, she just found all guys in high school to be too hormonal and distracted with constantly talking about their "junk" and hooking up with girls. Overactive and uncontrollable sex addicts, she liked to call them. I guess I was the exception.

That little thing that Loraine was talking about… I'd noticed it, too. Not just recently, though, but about two years ago when things started working out with me and Arleigh and clicking and basically, just feeling right. I could never gain up the courage to tell her how I felt. After everything that had happened between us, I really didn't think it was a good risk to be taking. I had already lost her friendship momentarily once – and that was enough for me to notice that I never wanted to lose it again. So I never risked it, never even hinted at the fact that I could possibly like her as anything more than a friend. As far as I could tell, that was better than nothing. And nothing was exactly what I thought it would come to if I ever told her.

"Jake, don't be stupid. I know you know what I'm talking about."

I shrugged. "Whatever… there's no point, anyways. She doesn't like me like that."

"And how, exactly, do you know this?" she asked, smirking at me then placing her eyes back on the road.

"I just do… don't you think she would've done something about it by now if she did have feelings for me?" I asked.

"Well, you've liked her for this long and you haven't said anything – maybe she's in the exact same boat as you are."

I snorted, "Yeah right. Clearly, you don't know Arleigh. If she thinks anything – she says it, regardless of the repercussions."

I looked out the window. It was a cloudy day and it made me just want to go home and sleep the night away. I guess that shows how cool I am – staying at home and sleeping on a Friday night.

"Well, maybe even this is too much for her to just say… maybe you're too important to her? Maybe… she is just as scared as you are."

"I highly doubt that. She never gets scared. And… she just would never think of me that way."

"Well…" she smirked, looking over at me once again, "you never know."

I rested my chin in the palm of my hand as I stared out the window. _What to do…_I thought. _What to do…_

I got home and threw my bag on the bench right inside the front door.

"Hey mom!"

She came rushing out of the kitchen, tea towel thrown over her shoulder, a big great smile on her face – like always.

"Hey sweetie!" she hugged me. I could feel my face getting squished between her shoulder and her head, just like the hugs your grandparents give you when they come down for the holidays after not seeing you all year. It was slightly painful but she eventually let go. "How was your day?"

I shrugged, taking my shoes off and putting them in the closet. "Not too bad… I'm ridiculously tired though, so I'm gonna go take a nap."

"Okay, hun. Well I'll wake you up when dinner's ready." She kissed my forehead.

Okay, so my mom _was_ pretty lovey dovey… but I guess you could say I was a total mama's boy. I loved my mom and I definitely had a better relationship with her rather than my dad. Don't get me wrong – I love my dad too, but I have just always been closer with my mom, even since I was a kid.

I walked up the winding staircase and down the hallway to my room. I plopped myself down and pulled the covers over my head.

_Finally… rest._ That was, until my cell phone started vibrating in my pocket.

I grunted as I sat up, pulling it out and looking at the screen.

"Arleigh? Hey… what's up?"

"Hey," she said on the other line. "What are you doing?"

"Well…" I started, "I _was_ just about to have a nice relaxing nap. But what did you have in mind?"

I could hear the smile in her voice. "Well, I'm having a party tonight and you're invited."

I laughed. "A party? But you don't talk to anyone at school other than me."

"Hey!" she shrieked. "That is so not true! There's Kendra from the city team, and there's that girl that I talk to sometimes that sits behind me in graphic design class… you know, with the huge grandma glasses and the hiked up mom jeans?"

"You're having a four people party?"

"Okay – I lied." She laughed. "But I have nothing to do tonight, Jake! I was wondering if you wanted to come over…"

"Well… I don't know… I am pretty busy with all this napping business that I have to do…"

"Come on! You can't say that you're turning down hanging out with your best friend – your most favourite person in the whole wide world!" she pleaded.

"But Jessica Simpson didn't call and ask me to hang out with her tonight…"

She did a whole _pffft_ kind of retort. It made me laugh. "You wish, Baker. So I'll see you in 15 minutes then?"

I smiled, I guess I couldn't lie to myself – I would hang out with Arleigh _any _day.

"Yeah… see you in fifteen." I heard a click as she hung up the phone, just as I did right after her.

I got up off my bed and ran downstairs to tell mom that I was heading over to Arleigh's, grabbed my skateboard and got on my way.

To be honest, the entire way there (okay, it's not that far but all the same…) my stomach was going crazy and there was a huge possibility that I felt like I was going to puke. I couldn't understand why after all this time I still got nervous around her… or at least when I knew I was about to see her. Or, really, I guess just when I knew that we were going to be alone in her big, dark house watching, most likely, scary movies together, which for some reason she always wanted to watch but always got the shit scared out of her. Sometimes, I would kind of let myself think that maybe she always watched them with me because she liked when she could bury her head in my shoulder, just waiting for me to tell her when the scary part was over.

I stopped that, though, realizing how big of a dumb ass I sounded like and pushed the idea completely out of my mind. Finally coming up on that tall, empty house, I felt my stomach twist itself into a knot that I knew would not come untied until I left her, all by herself, and I was safely back in my house where I wasn't entirely enticed by the slight of her hand right next to my knee, the feeling of her arm gently brushing against mine when she moved in her seat, or the thrust of her head into my shoulder when she got scared.

Okay, so I was a huge pansy and I knew I sounded like it.

After all these years of being the guy that all the girls chased after, the guy that was hard and cold, inside and out, but could easily lure anyone in with the flash of a smile – I had gone soft.

I wasn't embarrassed about it either… I guess that was the funny thing. I basically felt stupid inside my head; falling for a girl this hard.

I walked up the creaky steps to the old house and knocked three times. Eventually I could see a dark shadowy figure coming out of the light of the kitchen and towards the door.

"Hey," she said as she opened the door, "come on in."

I stepped inside, closing the door behind myself. I could tell it was going to be a long night…

* * *

(A/N: Okay, I know what you're going to say - so that didn't take us anywhere with the whole plot of this thing... but just know that I didn't want to dump all of Jake's feelings _and _the possibility of anything else happening with he and Arleigh all in one single chapter. SO just know that there is definitely more to come and I would absolutely LOVE it if more people would review... cause if that isn't the case then I'll probably just close this one up early and just kind of end it. But I really don't want to do that so - let me know what you think! And if you do... I will keep writing. See ya : - brooklyn.) 


	11. Risks

Who I Used To Be  
Chapter Eleven  
Risks

* * *

Awkward. 

It was the only word I could use to describe the vibe that was most likely being felt by the both of us during that movie. Or maybe it was just me…?

We had rented _Transformers_ and were sitting on her bed in that weird position when your bodies are just vaguely touching each other. Butterflies materialized every single solitary time there was a slight movement from her.

It was brutal.

By halfway through the movie I felt as if I was going to throw up. I wouldn't even want to know what she was like while she slept because as far as I could tell she would probably be changing positions every second.

The fact of being in her room and, not to mention, on her bed made it even more nerve racking. She didn't have a living room – well, she _had_ the room but it had absolutely no furniture in it, a lot like most of the rooms in her big, dark and empty house. The only rooms that really _did_ have furniture were the kitchen, her bedroom and the bathroom. Basically, the only rooms she ever used.

It seemed as if we sat there for decades. The movie played in slow motion when all that I could think about was _her_.

Finally, I sat up from leaning against the wall that her bed was pushed up alongside.

"What is it?" she asked, looking over at me.

I sat there for a second, sort of staring into her eyes. She stared back and, for just a glimpse of a second, it felt as if she was feeling the exact same way that I did in that very moment. That maybe she was staring at me, just holding herself back from placing her lips on mine?

I was an idiot.

I quickly erased the entire idea from my head that she could even feel close to the way I felt right now and replied back, interrupting the stupidity of my staring.

"I just have to use the bathroom."

I got up as she nodded and went back to watching the movie. I started walking towards the door as she spoke up.

"You okay, Baker?"

I turned around and faced her. In the darkness of the room, the TV screen provided the only light. It shadowed her face perfectly. I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She nodded; a slight and subtle nod that almost hinted at the fact that she didn't believe me when I said it. I turned back around and continued down the hallway towards the bathroom.

I got there and shut the door behind me, locking it. I walked over to the toilet seat, flapped down the lid and sat down. I pushed my hands through my hair, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my legs. I stared down at the ground.

"What are you doing?" I asked myself, quiet and reposed.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door. "Jake, are you okay in there?" I heard Arleigh call from out in the hallway. "You've been in there for a while…"

I hadn't realized at all. I must've sat with my head in my hands for longer than I noticed. I walked over to the door and opened it to see her standing right in front of me, arms crossed, a concerned look spread across her face.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, once again, hoping to get the real answer out of me.

"Yeah… I just feel kinda sick to my stomach, that's all. I'll be fine…"

Her face grew with apprehension, "Do you need something?"

"No, it's cool. I'll be fine."

"Well, did you wanna go home? It's okay if you do – I mean, I forced you to come over here anyways."

I looked up from the ground and at her. "I would rather be here with you than anywhere else."

I didn't realize the words when they first came out of my mouth. They sounded like something foreign to me; unrecognizable to be my own.

The look on her face changed from concerned to what you could call flabbergasted and she choked on her words.

"Um, well… okay, well – ugh, let's just go back and watch the movie then. Okay?" She said it with a forced smile. She stopped looking at me so intently and when we went back to her room she sat further down on her bed and made sure there was none of that slight contact nonsense between the two of us. She was pushing me away. Or, maybe I was just overlooking every little thing that happened between us? Maybe I just exaggerated it all and the second that one insignificant thing changed I noticed because I was the only one watching so closely.

When we started the movie up again, it felt even more awkward then it previously did. I knew it… I had screwed things up for good.

"Are you okay, Ar?" It was me asking this time.

She barely gave me a glance. "Yeah, fine." She avoided any sort of contact with me: eye, physical, and as she was starting to show more and more throughout the night – emotional. She didn't even want to talk to me, it seemed.

We had sat there in silence for the entire demise of the movie. When the credits finally started to roll and she was just about to get up to turn off the TV, I stopped her.

"Was it what I said?"

She looked around the room before finally allowing her gaze to settle on me. I could blatantly tell that she didn't want it to, either.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be stupid Arleigh… don't tell me that you haven't been acting weird since what I said at the bathroom."

"I actually don't know what you're talking about, Jake…" she walked over and turned the TV off and crossed her arms. "You know, you should probably go anyways. It's getting late and your mom will probably start freaking out or something."

I shook my head. I knew I was going to regret this, but I couldn't take it any longer – I had to say something.

"Why do you do that?" I said, louder than before. The loudness of my voice seemed to echo out into the rest of the house.

I don't know where this part of me came from. I had never felt this way about anyone before and the fact that I was actually taking a chance with the one girl that had ever meant this much to me was astonishing. I was taking a risk; a risk I felt I might regret. Regardless, it was already happening and there was no stopping me.

She looked at me. For the first time since I went to the bathroom, it was as if she wasn't trying to avoid it. She paused, gaining her voice before she replied. "Do what?" There was a trivial crack between words when she said it.

I shook my head, once again. "_That_. The second that I even put myself out there the slightest bit you back off and ignore me entirely. _Why_?" I stood up, moving closer to her. She took small steps backwards, looking up at me with a look of contempt for what she perceived I was about to do. "Why… when you know that I would do _anything_ for you?"

She stood there in front of me, her face as close as it had ever been to mine in a long, long time. I looked deep into her eyes and I could see them quivering, wanting to look away but somehow, not being able to do so.

I moved my face closer – _what was I doing?!_

I had wanted to do this for as long as I could remember and never gained up the courage. Whatever was sparked inside of me in that moment, I don't know what it was, but I loved every second of it. I was doing something about how I felt for once and not just taking a step back and watching opportunities pass me by. I was finally doing something for once.

I leaned in, pressing my lips against hers and…

She let me.


End file.
